You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
