My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Randomize
