just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
