The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
