i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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