i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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