How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
