When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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