The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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