btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Randomize
