I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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