My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
