remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
