he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
fuck your aforementioned shoe
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
