theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
