Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
