you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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