i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
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