I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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