so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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