Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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