i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
