This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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