I think i sorta joined a cult last night
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i used baking grease as lip gloss
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Randomize
