i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
