Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
40s are totally the cure
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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