I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
