If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
