Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Randomize
