I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
