she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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