I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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