from now on my penis is your penis
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
