They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
And then he peed in my hair
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