Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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