I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
