you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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