what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
