I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
