Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
My vagina is very pro this idea
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
