you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
And then he peed in my hair
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