Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
