He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
