I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Randomize
