after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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