I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
