Your face is a jimmy john
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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