I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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