I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
