She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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