Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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