He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
