I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
