I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
