woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
