when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
