Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
