Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Randomize
