Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I fill condoms, not promises.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
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